How to Help Elderly Parents Enjoy the Holidays: A Family Guide

As much as the holidays call to mind images reminiscent of a Hallmark movie, for many senior adults, these days of increased activities, additional expectations and expenses, and all-but-forced family get-togethers can bring with them concern and anxiety. What used to be effortless can now seem overwhelming. Many silently worry:

Can they keep up with the amped up schedule of grandchildren’s school and church performances?
Can they bear the extra expenses of buying gifts for all?
Can they logistically get in and around the crowded homes of friends and family or maneuver the sometimes narrow aisles of school auditoriums and places of worship or the packed and bustling foyers, lobbies, and parking lots of these buildings? How will they get to these events and will someone be there to help them if needed? Are there restrooms nearby?

All these concerns and more face aging loved ones during the days and weeks surrounding ‘the happiest time of the year. Whereas many times our elderly family members were traditionally the ones hosting large holiday celebrations and meals, now simply attending and participating can present its own challenge physically, mentally, and emotionally. Add to these outside stressors the sometimes-present tensions of extended family celebrations, the fear of irrelevance, shifting responsibilities in terms of orchestrating holiday comings and goings, and even the possibility of intensified loneliness, and the holidays have the potential to become some of the hardest times of the year for the elderly. But they don’t have to be.

With a little forethought by conscientious family members, arrangements can be made that not only accommodate older friends and family, but can actually celebrate their role in the family and the unique perspective and history only they can share with others. What most people in their senior years truly want is simple, human connection, compassion, and the reassurance that their presence still matters to the group. More than anything, they want to feel included; not managed or ‘handled.’ By including elderly family members in the planning and decision-making of the season’s festivities, you’re showing them respect and dignifying their role as an important and valued member of the family. Plus, the bonus of discussing and planning for upcoming events in advance is that it allows them time to look forward to these celebrations and mentally prepare for the increased activity level.

Below are a few simple suggestions to create true moments of connection with aged friends and family while still celebrating long-held family traditions and engaging across the generations:

Make space for ‘their’ pace – Not only can mobility and logistics complicate the elderly’s involvement in large gatherings, their ability to socialize for extended periods of time can also diminish. It can be mentally and physically tiring to visit with lots of people not usually in their regular orbit. Memory issues and past grievances can make visiting with rarely seen distant family members and acquaintances especially taxing. Keep this in mind whenever larger groups gather and provide ‘outs’ for your loved one. Help them to exit challenging conversations by asking for their presence in another area, provide a quiet room for them to retreat to when they need a break, and consider limiting how many people are included in each get-together. Fewer, but richer, more connected experiences are usually the preference of senior folks. Slower, simpler, unhurried visits can oftentimes bring the most valued connection.

Protect their dignity while offering support when needed or asked for – Short of failing mental abilities, most elderly people are acutely aware of their increasingly diminished physical abilities. They certainly don’t need to be reminded. Comments such as, “Mom, remember you’re not as young as you used to be,” and “Dad, you don’t need to be trying to do all these chores,” are anything but helpful and, usually, hurtful. After all, aren’t we all our own harshest critics about what we can and can’t do well?

Instead of decisively taking over what were once their roles and responsibilities, consider ‘partnering’ with senior parents to accomplish the same goals. Ask for their help tasting or finishing off a traditional family recipe, offer to help them get ready for family events by helping them select outfits and get dressed, be available to transport and escort them to events, and ask if there are any parts of the celebrations they’d rather skip than simply endure. A little reminder that they’re still in control of what they participate in and who they socialize with can go a long way to instilling a feeling of autonomy rather than obligation. (And remind them, not to feel too guilty; after all, nobody actually wants to sit next to Uncle Bob for Christmas dinner!)

Allow traditions to be adjusted as necessary; work to hold on to what they represent versus becoming a bothersome burden – Even the best of long-held family traditions may need a 21st century revisit. Yes, making Grandma’s fudge is a ‘have to,’ but maybe not the six different kinds of Christmas cookies that usually accompany it. The same applies to holiday decorations—maybe a tabletop tree is a better solution than the usual 7’ evergreen in the attic. The sparkle is still present and favorite ornaments can be hung, but the backbreaking effort to put a tree up, string it with lights, and adorn it with 20 boxes or glass balls may be something left in the past. In reality, it is the symbolism of cherished ornaments gathered through the years that likely hold the greater memory than the actual size of the tree itself.

By focusing on what the traditions represent rather than ‘how we’ve always done it,’ families can make room for senior members to fully participate without sacrificing sentimental favorites.

Help with practical needs – This is frequently one of the easiest ways to offer tangible and meaningful assistance for our senior loved ones with limited capabilities. These tasks are also usually an opportunity for older school- and college-age kids to step in and lend a hand over Christmas break. Offers to pick up groceries and medication are a big help as are providing transportation to and from special events. Imagine the proud smile of Grammie walking into church on the arm of her college-age grandson or Grandpa Bill beaming with pride as his youngest granddaughter takes the stage in her school’s Christmas pageant.

Kids (of all ages) are also tremendous assistants when it comes to matters of technology. What students do without even thinking can seem foreign to people who still use a flip-phone. And the internet…well, it can be mind-blowing to a generation who fought in a World War. Tech-savvy kids can be especially helpful to grandparents by sharing simple, but important, best practices about cyberspace security (“Aunt Sally—whatever you do, please don’t give them your Social Security number no matter how convincing they sound.”) and by providing patient walk-throughs (complete with written cheat sheets) for challenges such as FaceTime calls.

The practical gift of time provides a wonderful two-fold benefit: not only is a need met, but, just as importantly, a connection between the parties involved is also likely strengthened. Receiving help in ways that are needed most and that keep on giving can be the most significant gifts of the holiday season.

Invite the frailest of family members to the heart of the celebration – As we’ve mentioned, the busyness of the holidays can simply be too much for many of our seniors. And while they may not be able to (or really even want to!) attend every family activity that’s holiday-centric, it is still important to include them in the most meaningful events such as Christmas Eve church services with the family or the big Christmas Day meal.

Again, share the optional activities and allow them to decide what and when they want to participate and what arrangements can, and need to be, made in advance. For the activities they wish to be included in, look for special ways to involve them. Ask for their help with longstanding family recipes that have never actually been written down, invite them to say the mealtime prayer or offer a special toast, and encourage their participation in as many ways as they are willing to do so.

By providing meaningful and unique opportunities for the elderly members of our families to be involved in family celebrations as much as possible, we also make the holidays richer for ourselves. In the serving of others who maybe have a few more candles on their birthday cakes, we also receive connection, value, and belonging to something much bigger than ourselves and that’s the best gift of all.

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